I was up last night at 3am forcing myself not to turn on the computer and have a little swear-fest on my keyboard. What happened last night happened one time before where it affected me as viscerally as it did last night. If you're a mom, you'll get this completely. A dad would do I imagine, but I can't speak for men (nor for women for that matter, only for myself)... oh well, for myself it is.
Hana was sick last night. Violently sick. So sick that at one point I thought we're going to emerg - fast, but luckily that passed quickly enough to not give me a heart attack. What gets me, gets me so bad, is the fact that because I'm immune suppressed, I can't go and cuddle my little girl to make her feel safe and better. It kills me. Totally kills me. I have to sit on the edge of the bed and watch her and Brian lay in bed while she whimpers. It was way too much for me to handle. I went to bed after a while, but laid there angry with tears running down my checks and soaking the pillow. This is the only time(s) where I get really pissed off at the situation.
I know. I know. I'm alive and still get to hang out with her all the other times. I get that, but I also want to be the comforting, caregiving mom that I feel I am inside, but I'm blocked by a wall of drugs and the threat of a horrible outcome if I let myself get sick with a simple flu. Ughhh!!!
Wegener's Granulomatosis. A rare auto-immune disease affecting 1 in 30,000 to 40,000 lucky winners. I'm one of those winners. Diagnosed in May 2010, life has changed dramatically in some cases for the worse and in some for the better. This is where I ramble on about my observations with this new friend called Wegener's - which makes me a Weggie (pronounced 'weg-ee')
Oh, Marta. This pains me. It is one of the essentially unfairnesses of the disease, and, worse, one that you just can't explain to a sick five year old. Of course, Hana knows that her mama loves her, but when the kid is sick....well, I am sorry. The only spin I can out on this is that (and this is true; I have much personal experience in this regard) no one experience will shape your child's memory of what it means to be in a loving family. Your presence, alone, carries a lot of weight. As for the proper interpretation, I would say that, while young, Hana is clearly a...tough cookie, and will be none the worse, and perhaps even a little stronger, for this event.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, neither can I speak for all fathers, of anyone other than myself, but I also feel this deeply, even years after the kids left home.
Al
Marta, It will always hurt when these types of situations arise.It is what it is and your child will get through it better than we do. Your love for her is what matters most. I wont live in the bubble for fear of the desease but thats just me. I have 2 teenage children and it scares me at times to, as they seem to be sick often. What I want more is I want them to see me as somewhat normal. Hang in there. Wazy
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are with you Marta - I don't have children, but I had somewhat of a similar experience with mom this week, as I fell ill and had to sit far from her with a mask on (we're back to ICU after a short stint in Rehab, hemo's dropped along with O2 levels - trying to sort it out). She was crying, scared and I couldn't do anything for her, so that's as close as I can come to understanding what you're going through. I hope (no, I know), you'll get past the anger, sadness and perhaps get creative to find a way to comfort the girls when they are sick....once again, Marta telling Wegener's to bugger off - you got this girl!
ReplyDeleteCheers, Michele
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