I haven't shared this with anyone except for you. It's kinda like a diary here and I write as if nobody is reading, but I have to articulate this and what better place than this venue.
So in a situation where any other Weggie would be counting their lucky stars, I find myself pushing back and I think I might have just had the awakening moment I needed to move past that imaginary line I have drawn for myself.
I have been approved for permanent disability from my insurance company (I have also applied, on their insistance, for disability through Canada Pension Plan, which I wont find out the results until the end of November at the earliest.) So what's the problem? The problem is that I wanted to go back to work. I wanted to go back part time but because there is so much uncertainty with my particular situation they want me to leave my job, a job I've been working for a long time to get to full of security and benefits and all that jazz. I am being forced to make a decision to either go back to work, resign, or retire on medical grounds. So you can understand why I've been pushing back and not wanting to leave my job. I really feel like I'm being treated very unfairly right now, and was going to take this on as a fight but I am having second thoughts about fighting as it's not so much worth loosing my health over. As long as I know I can still financially contribute to my family, I'll be good.
I met with the Superintendent of the park (the uber boss, who happens to be a very nice man) the other day and he had this look in his eyes when he was talking to me. I couldn't make it out, but it felt like he was feeling sorry for me. He gave me a hug when I first arrived for our meeting and at the end. I know he's a sincere man with the best intentions. But it was the way he was looking at me while we spoke. I went home and tried to make sense of it, and it hit me. Maybe he feels bad for me because I haven't come to grips with the fact that things have changed monumentally and I am not who I was before January 2010. I will not be that person again. I can try my hardest, but from a physical perspective, I might not get there no matter how hard I try. Maybe he felt bad for me because I am still moving forward under the assumption that I will be me again, able to take on the world and do whatever I want to do. Maybe he sees the sickly person I am as he looks at me and speaks with me, while I, don't see the physical manifestation of Wegener's (unless I look at a mirror or a picture of myself, which I avoid doing whenever possible) am operating under the old memes.
So I came to this crazy place where I figured that maybe this is the Universe kicking my ass again to make me let go of the old mental constructs I believed to be 'my' reality. It might be time to move on and release the stuff I've been holding on to so tight. I have huge plans for the next PJ Day and bigger yet for the one following... and so on and so on... Maybe I need to retire and then start making a real change in the world rather than keep trying to make a change under someone else's misguided bureaucratic shackles. I can make a difference and see it within my short little lifetime if I'm the driver of my own car, and maybe this is the nudge I needed. I'm still having a very hard time emotionally with this.
I am really hating this moment of time right now... probably more than actually being sick in the hospital. At least when I was sick in the hospital I knew that the people I am dealing with truly had my best interest in mind, whereas now I feel this is quite a different situation. All I can say is thank God for my previous boss (who just retired last month) who knew my work ethic and knew that I would do anything for Parks Canada, who stood in my corner for the last two years. Thank you Carolyn D.You are a true living angel, and we are all at a loss due to your absence. I know how happy and free you are though when I see you walking down the street, so it all happens the way it's supposed to happen.
Wegener's Granulomatosis. A rare auto-immune disease affecting 1 in 30,000 to 40,000 lucky winners. I'm one of those winners. Diagnosed in May 2010, life has changed dramatically in some cases for the worse and in some for the better. This is where I ramble on about my observations with this new friend called Wegener's - which makes me a Weggie (pronounced 'weg-ee')