First holiday in swimwear - ughhh/ yeah / ughhh

Love being away from home. Not complaining about my life at home, but being in the same place day in and day out where the proverbial poo hit the proverbial fan, and where I've been trying to clean up said fan, gets a little tiring and somewhat depressing from time to time (rarely but it does happen to the best of us).

I was super stoked to get away and go on vacation, but (again I'm using the word 'but' - I don't like it when people are giving me that phraseology) but this environment of beach and sun and bathing suits is doing a number on my brain. Again, don't get me wrong, I'm super happy to be here and be on holidays, but I can't get away from the reality of what the drugs have done to me in the last year and some. I can't hide in my baggy clothes, and I've been quite stubborn about buying a bunch of new 'phat' (i.e. cool for big girl) clothes, so I'm feeling a little (lot) sausagee, so I caved in and bought a size 12 one piece bathing suit with a little skirty thing to hide all the nastiness. A lot of reflective surfaces here too. Yay (a very sarcastic yay). My new chemo hair is quite lovely too - I'm shocked Holywood hasn't picked up the look yet.

Speaking of hair, I had a great haircut by a dude here in Penticton about six years ago, so I tried to find him. Went to his old place, but it's been sold, and they knew of him, but not his name or where he works. They thought maybe in Summerland. So I called every hairdresser in Summerland to find him and alas, I did. However he is booked until Saturday and can't fit me in. We're leaving Friday. He said he'd call me if he had a cancellation but I'm loosing hope with each passing day. His name is James and his place is called James on Kelly.... if you're ever in the area. I think I might be out of luck though. Probably for the best as I was kinda looking for a miracle, and those are hard to come by these days.

I was just telling Brian that this might sound vain, but all my whining and complaining comes from a different place than vanity. I've been me, the me I know inside and have known for the first 43 years of my life, and this new version (one I don't particularly like to see) is quite shocking to see and be reminded of...it lives on the outside and is the one everyone outside my body sees, and I honestly am surprised every time I see a reflection of myself and see a complete stranger looking back. I'm sure other people feel this way when life throws them a curve and their 'shell' changes, but I think because it happened so quickly might be why it's freaking me out like it is. Everytime I meet someone I want to tell them that the person they are talking to is not the person I think they are talking to, but it's pointless and absurd and my own private little battle.