Funny thing, moving along

I haven't shared this with anyone except for you. It's kinda like a diary here and I write as if nobody is reading, but I have to articulate this and what better place than this venue.

So in a situation where any other Weggie would be counting their lucky stars, I find myself pushing back and I think I might have just had the awakening moment I needed to move past that imaginary line I have drawn for myself.

I have been approved for permanent disability from my insurance company (I have also applied, on their insistance, for disability through Canada Pension Plan, which I wont find out the results until the end of November at the earliest.) So what's the problem? The problem is that I wanted to go back to work. I wanted to go back part time but because there is so much uncertainty with my particular situation they want me to leave my job, a job I've been working for a long time to get to full of security and benefits and all that jazz. I am being forced to make a decision to either go back to work, resign, or retire on medical grounds. So you can understand why I've been pushing back and not wanting to leave my job. I really feel like I'm being treated very unfairly right now, and was going to take this on as a fight but I am having second thoughts about fighting as it's not so much worth loosing my health over. As long as I know I can still financially contribute to my family, I'll be good.

I met with the Superintendent of the park (the uber boss, who happens to be a very nice man) the other day and he had this look in his eyes when he was talking to me. I couldn't make it out, but it felt like he was feeling sorry for me. He gave me a hug when I first arrived for our meeting and at the end. I know he's a sincere man with the best intentions. But it was the way he was looking at me while we spoke. I went home and tried to make sense of it, and it hit me. Maybe he feels bad for me because I haven't come to grips with the fact that things have changed monumentally and I am not who I was before January 2010. I will not be that person again. I can try my hardest, but from a physical perspective, I might not get there no matter how hard I try. Maybe he felt bad for me because I am still moving forward under the assumption that I will be me again, able to take on the world and do whatever I want to do. Maybe he sees the sickly person I am as he looks at me and speaks with me, while I, don't see the physical manifestation of Wegener's (unless I look at a mirror or a picture of myself, which I avoid doing whenever possible) am operating under the old memes.

So I came to this crazy place where I figured that maybe this is the Universe kicking my ass again to make me let go of the old mental constructs I believed to be 'my' reality. It might be time to move on and release the stuff I've been holding on to so tight. I have huge plans for the next PJ Day and bigger yet for the one following... and so on and so on... Maybe I need to retire and then start making a real change in the world rather than keep trying to make a change under someone else's misguided bureaucratic shackles. I can make a difference and see it within my short little lifetime if I'm the driver of my own car, and maybe this is the nudge I needed. I'm still having a very hard time emotionally with this.

I am really hating this moment of time right now... probably more than actually being sick in the hospital. At least when I was sick in the hospital I knew that the people I am dealing with truly had my best interest in mind, whereas now I feel this is quite a different situation. All I can say is thank God for my previous boss (who just retired last month) who knew my work ethic and knew that I would do anything for Parks Canada, who stood in my corner for the last two years. Thank you Carolyn D.You are a true living angel, and we are all at a loss due to your absence. I know how happy and free you are though when I see you walking down the street, so it all happens the way it's supposed to happen.